I can’t sleep. I know it’s has something to do with the fish tank. It’s not filled all the way, so when the water filters through, it splashes down like a small waterfall or like–like–like… Is the water headed towards a sewer, sewer water? Oh, never-mind, I just remembered it’s called runoff. It sounds like runoff speeding through garbage… why isn’t garbage called garboff? Forget it, call that question, Sleepy, and call the mini waterfall, Annoying.
I’ve been working on a project, but considering that I have limited resources and one guitar, that project requires that I know a little bit more about music that I don’t already know. It frustrates me because I’m a slow learner–at everything. But I feel that if I would have learned it back when I was seven or eight, I wouldn’t be struggling with my passions as much as I do now.
Up till this point, I’ve been learning the guitar hardcore for two months or so on my own– with the help of the internet. I actually got a formal, or as formal as community college can be, class on music fundamentals two years ago. I surprised myself when I passed it with a B+, that’s around 80% or so, but that’s only because the teacher ended up lowering the scales(ha!) for the majority of the class, so my beautiful B+, was probably something in between an D+ or a C-, wait, or was that shameless bump from that one teacher back in high school? Huh. Anyhow, It’s all fuzzy now, but regardless, that B+ definitely charged my confidence up 100%. I was so proud! Although, the whole class was taught only by clapping our hands, stomping our feet, and going ta-ta-ta, it taught me as much as it could about how to read music, but I wanted to play the guitar! So…
The next Fall, I decided to take guitar for beginners, but that was short lived.
Before the semester began, I proudly got into debt by buying my first guitar. It’s those guitars labeled as “beginner”, which I always thought meant cheap, but the fact that it was more than a Benjamin Franklin, I don’t what “beginner” in this case meant. Anyway, I finally met my teacher, and I thought he was cool, you could tell the teacher had been through some shit, and was–is?–a great storyteller. But I soon learned that I wan’t a fan of the teacher’s pity speeches, which left me believing it was a motivational technique, was just too much for me one day when he started yelling nonsense at everyone around the beginning of the class, all because we couldn’t stay in sync. I fuck’n cried! Let me repeat! I fuck’n cried, and was the only one doing so! He wasn’t yelling at anyone specifically, but knowing how much of a novice I was, I felt inept and stupid for even thinking that I could ever play the guitar. It’s how I’ve felt my whole life about anything!
I made it through that whole class that day, with boogers and all because I didn’t want to make a scene by leaving in the middle of the class, but there were so many times during that hour that I wanted to get up and leave, and now that I look back, I should have left as soon as the first sniffle snuffed, there were so many opportunities. To put the cherry on top, I’m those delusional people who sit front row, almost rubbing up against the teacher, because sitting in the front row means you’ll learn something that those losers in the back would never! Whoops, well, I was sitting front row! At least I definitely learned something that day. Boogers and sniffing aren’t the better option. I should have left, and come back the next week, but I chickened out and was way too embarrassed to return to class, so I dropped that same day. I never looked back, but only because I didn’t want everyone see how ugly my crying face was. I was almost halfway through that semester. We were learning the scales.
It took a while to get back on my guitar, but, like I said, I’ve been playing for two months straight now, and I’m loving every moment of it. I’m even considering to take that devastating class again to face my subconscious.
My musical insecurities go back to elementary school, but I decided that’s its own post.
Oh, yeah! About that fish tank. It’s still going, so I’m just going to put my earbuds in and drown it out with some music.