December 2, 2017
There are many times where I know I will die hungry, poor, and alone, but one thing I’m really afraid of is not dying, but dying without doing what I want to do when I haven’t even found out what that is yet, and all this because I can’t decide what’s important and what order they should be in. I’ve heard others have the same ordeal, and have heard about how some of them ended up, some different, some very similar to each other, from successful to very grim.
I’ve had some ideas about what I want to be and how I plan to do it before I’m done, but I’ll write about them some other time, for sure sometime after my package gets here, in the middle of mail madness. Whether I’m correct or not about my pathetic predictions, I’ve given myself my twenties to waste away, to get lost, to figure things out before I start to settle with this thought for what it is and for what it might become if I continue to mourn, heave, and pout.
Why I’m so negative about? I like to believe it was the time I peed my pants in elementary school, or when I went bald because I put out a good wad of hair in one night, but I think it might be more than several things, all of them in a chain that I can trace back to my realization on how I lost my innocence, and it drives me crazy when I do think about it!
The worst thing about it all is that it wasn’t even that bad, but I can’t say that because all abuse is abuse, but some have had it worst and have ended up better than your whiner-baby, blogger here. I’ve accepted my loss, but all the mental and physical damage as a result of the first chain is what’s been left for me to fix and/or learn to live with, and it’s stupidly hard. I’ve done nothing in my childhood so far to help me think I will ever do anything more than waste my existence having gloomily believed myself into my own grave and not the neighbors, which would have appeared to be a nicer accident if it would have happened but then again I’m not sure either. If I’m crazy enough I could make myself believe I could make something out of myself moving forward as a full-grown adult. I do honestly believe I’m crazy already, but even then I don’t know how I’ll use this to help me believe what my fate should be,I know if I’m anything else but crazy I’ll expire. So I’ll keep moving forward as this delusional adult-child until I decide I can’t forward any longer.
What brought this garbage post on was my anticipation for some tea that I ordered online that hasn’t arrived yet because it’s the holiday season, and that means mail services take longer to deliver packages. I haven’t left the house because of this ridiculous longing to finally have a warm cup of tea and some cookies to go with it, I won’t leave the house until I do. It’s almost been a week and one day, I should have ordered them a month ago, but yet again they weren’t on sale then as they were when I ordered them. Teas expensive! Okay! and it’s a haul, so I’ll probably blog about it.
And I’ve started to think about how ridiculous this is, not the tea part, but the part where why I’ve let myself to believe this to be a priority when I should be working either with family members and friends or finding an actual corporate or retail job of some kind. Not having a job, being voluntarily friendless, and relying on my mother is what make me believe what I do about my fate. I made this a goal because it’s easier to wait and have things you want appear at your door without doing much, I’m not lazy, just defeated by how antisocial and discouraged I’ve grown to be, and how much I’ve tried to fix it and continually failed.
All I can think about right now is when my package will arrive, and that thought makes me really depressed, but the wait is not what’s depressing, it’s exciting. The depressing part is once it’s here, what will I do? Hopefully the tea will tell me. Again, It’s pathetic I know, I’ll try making more sense next time, I’ve read over this and I’m now lost about what it’s even about. I think it’s about priorities or the lack thereof and where I’ll end up if I don’t stop being pathetic, as well as some other random crap sprinkled throughout. IDK, your guess is as good as mine. I think I just wanted to write something. I’ll keep waiting for my tea; who knows when it’ll get here, but when it does I’ll start thinking about how I’ll get along with whatever my issue is(and it’s not therapy!)I’m hoping I’ll be just as excited to plan it my next move.
I’m actually thinking about it know. I also have a stupid idea about what I’ll name this post. I’m too done to proofread this post any further. I’ll be less open next time. I should be sleeping rn.
The teacup and plate on the featured image is my very broken but very beloved possession: Versailles by LENOX.